Full list of jokes
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is$10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one inthe back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."Link to joke: A guy walks into a pet...
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electricalmalfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communicationequipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine hisposition or course to steer to the airport.The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwrittedsign and held it in the helicopter's window.The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a largesign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN AHELICOPTER".The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steerto SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU AREIN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me atechnically correct but completely useless answer".Link to joke: A helicopter was flying around above...
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that theblonde behind the wheel was knitting.The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to thedriver--"PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"Link to joke: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. Hisfather took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. Youbring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut andthen we'll talk about it."After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father ifthey could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father'sstudy where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You havebrought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.Link to joke: A young boy had just gotten...
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.Link to joke: A hopeful suitor dropped into a...
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.Link to joke: A horse and a chicken are...
A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pullyourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need aMercedes!Link to joke: A horse and a rabbit A...
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "So, why the long face?"Link to joke: A horse walks into a bar....
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying outa circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they hearda scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet."What's this," she asked."Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"Link to joke: A Jewish boy was walking with...
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Ourengines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I amunable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never berescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if notfor the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely onthe island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, didwe pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,"So what are you smiling and laughing about?Morris responds, "They'll find us."Link to joke: A Jewish couple, are sitting together...
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