A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smallboy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him toreach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer tothe boys position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives thedoorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently andasks, "And now what, my little man?"To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother saysyour prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does shesay?"The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
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A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.His tears are streaming down his cheeks.An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him."What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?""It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all fourlittle kittens we had yesterday!""That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Yourfather is a real bastard!'"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me thatI could do it."
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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg."Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questionedhis client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?""Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?""No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first outof bed."Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in forunnatural connubial practices?""Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything aboutthe connubial."Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out arewhat grounds you have.""Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.""Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for youseeking this divorce?""Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold anintelligent conversation."
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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every timeanything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!" "who's there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora" said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora" said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.
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A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."The Russian said "That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.""That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?""No," the Russian replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."
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A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hillin the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lasssaid, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, buthe finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be ifye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he againlapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lassto ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
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