Full list of jokes
What do u get if u cross bambi wit a ghost?BAMBOOWhat is a duck's favourite TV show?THE FEATHER FORECASTGET IT? hahahaLink to joke: What do u get if u...
Please try the following:Link to joke: Please try the following:
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood." The second vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood, too." Then the third vampire says,"I'd like a pint a plasma." Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?"Link to joke: Three vampires walk into a bar...
A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem.""My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.""I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."The man says, "You have a deal Doc."Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.The doctor asks, "What happened"?The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"Link to joke: A guy goes to his doctor...
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."The second woman said, "I blew chunks."The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."Link to joke: 3 women went out drinking, and...
35 People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet headingover the Pacific Ocean,Suddenly, a Message is announced,"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late""Damn!" Said the Irishman,10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,We`ll be 1 hour late"20 mins later,"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up hereall day!!"Link to joke: 35 People and an Irishman were...
1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at peopleusing the toilet stalls.33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to thefloor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Threedays later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon eaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.Be cocky.35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and thenannounce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind oftastes like head cheese.36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.Link to joke: 1. Enter the stall, shower for...
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.20. Meow occassionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"Link to joke: 1. Make race car noises when...
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan MeissPoint out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"copyright 2001 by Alan MeissLink to joke: 50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin...
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.14. Light candles around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil.Link to joke: 1. Log on, wait a sec,...