Full list of jokes

An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"Sent by abu dahbi
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An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his namelegally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked"Can i help you sir?"Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name.""What is your current name?" asked the clerk."Martin Arsehole," replied the man.The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want achange. What would you like your new name to be?""Tim."
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! IfI get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jumpoff this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I getburritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bolognasandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef andcabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw aburrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaand jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd knownhow really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would havegiven it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I couldhave given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos somuch."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her delight. After onother while the irishman approaces her and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?. she says no. 'Well you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.
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A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged."Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist."No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style.""Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop.""I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."
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Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
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An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water."That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls.The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water."Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist."Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
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An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. Aftera while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
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An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."He says, "Vy?"They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"She says, "Yes?"He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
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An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist."So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."
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